Sitting On The Fence

It was an unusually cold sunday morning thanks to the shower of blessing from heaven the night before. The gloomy sky and the chillness around had taken away the liveliness of an usual sunday morning where flowers bloom and the grass was green and the splendour of sun-kissed beauty radiated through the whole earth. Without any anticipation in my heart, it seemed that this was gonna be just another sunday service in my life. Years after years I've been attending service and I must admit that at one point of time in my life, I felt so sicked of it because it's become a "routine" and everything seemed "monotonous". The journey to the church seemed long and endless, I rubbed my tiring eyes and my vision became vague, reflecting my spiritual life that is dull and weary. My heart has grown cold because I was deeply hurt by some church people. God asked me to move on and pay no attention to them. But I failed to do that, I just cannot live a life where every time when I see those people who have hurt me in the past, I was wondering if he would do the same thing to me again and I can't pretend as if I have never seen them while we're all under the same roof!

All along the journey, the memories of people mistreating me resurfaced. I could see the darkness behind those people, they use their laughter to cover up their inner ugliness, they thought they can fool me, but I can see them clearly. Do you know what's one of the real disappointment in one's life? It happens when your beloved one doesn't appreciate the things you do. Often time people fail to see the things that we've done for them, the prayer of blessing that has been made in our quiet room when they're facing challenges or the effort that has been put for the sake of their life. Again and again, we're taken for granted by some people.

Nevertheless, God still knows our situation better than anyone else. I know that many camps were being held in many different places in the past few days. But I took no interest in any of them and eventually decided to join the service in Hope KL. I would like to think that it was not an accident that I ended up in that church though the initial decision was made arbitrarily. In another words, God had convinced me to go to that church in the very beginning without my knowledge. Everything seemed normal in the beginning of the service. It wasn't until pastor preached on the stage that it started to capture all my heart and soul and full attention in this extraordinary sunday, yet in an unextraordinary place.

The topic seemed common at first. Thanks to the anointed pastor Simon, he turned a common topic into an interesting and heart-capturing topic. He talked about the lukewarmness in christians' life from Rev 3: 14-22. I felt condemned because I am a lukewarm christian as well. I am neither hot nor cold. The Bible says it's either one or the other, means either I choose to be hot or cold, there's no such thing as in between, which is exactly what's happening in my life now, sitting on the fence. Pastor also said that those who sit on fence will eventually drop to either side of the fence.

I remember in those days, I was very active in God's house and in serving back in my old church in my hometown. I made a vow to God, I told God that I would never miss a service and I will join the youth club every week when I was 17 years old. I kept my promise and I did receive tremendous blessing from God, unknowing that it's my decision to follow Him that had brought all the changes in my life. When I think back I could really see how God had helped me and how He worked in my life. Just like the sister who shared her testimony today, God, in the same way, had blessed me greatly in my studies and I ranked the first place in my class during the last year of my secondary school, even though I was quite a slow learner. I was once the committee in youth club and involved actively in church activities. I felt like there're some many serving opportunities for me and I was really excited for Jesus.

Unfortunately, things had changed, my heart had changed in recent years. I'm no longer excited for Jesus because fire in my heart has been put out, mainly by church people. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to my old church because the sense of belonging is there, whereas in my current church, i don't feel comfortable most of the time because there are many unfriendly and hypocrite around, sorry to put it in this way. I'm limited by people and bound by many so-called "rules", though leaders deny that those "rules" are rules.

Tears rolled down my cheek when I thought of my past and the difference between past and present in my ministry. I appreciate the preaching and such a lovely pastor like Simon, but I felt sad because the people around me have become my stumbling block in my ministry. I don't know since when the ministry in church has become a competition, a platform for people to gain fame and people are feeling jealous of each other of their position. I hate this church when it comes to this part, seriously. Even the person closest to you is competing with you, for no reason.

My heart has hardened after suffering a series of attacks from all these people. I know they will never admit their mistake and try to reason things out. But it doesn't matter anymore, once my heart is hardened then it's hardened. But I feel sad bacause I cannot serve God effectively, I wish I could, but situation doesn't allow me to do so. That doesn't mean I'm preparing to backslide, I love God, yes I do, but I can't stand His people. Oh dear God, please show me your will and let your will be done, not mine.

I long to serve God greatly once again, just like what I did many years ago, and yes, I'm thinking of making a huge "comeback" in my ministry, and if this is not the place to stay anymore, I pray that God will bring me to a more suitable church. Nothing is more important than doing His will, and I will fulfill my destiny by doing His will !!!